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whiskey and jesus

 

whiskeyjesus

I was born with a wild and rebellious spirit.  This is the way God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.  I like my whiskey straight up and my Rock N Roll too loud. Everything I do; I do to excess. I cuss like a sailor, drive too fast, drink too much and feel too much. sometimes I smoke and sometimes I don’t. I greet this world with wide open arms and I want to experience it all. There is nothing that I wanted to do that I haven’t done. I am loving and trusting.   I am not very forgiving and I don’t have to be. I will hold a grudge until others right their wrong and if you ask me to lie I will grab a megaphone.  If you use my weakness against me I will turn it into my strength and if you love me with honesty I will hold you up while I sink. I am damaged and unfixable. lets not be confused about who I am. I am a sinner who found peace and redemption in the Lord. I will never be perfect. I will never be Holy. I will never be shoved into a perfect little box. I am wild and rebellious in nature. This is the way God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.

 

Late Night Confessions

well I had a blog wrote out but I can’t seem to get it to transfer so I’ll just give you the run down of what I had.

1. I eat squeeze cheese out of the can

2. I am jealous of families that get to be together all of the time

3. I can’t stand the taste, feel, and texture of meat, but I will eat it at a friends or strangers house because I am more scared of being rude than I am of eating disgusting meat.

4. I have NEVER liked my hair. at any style. EVER.

5. I have always like my body. even when i look in the mirror and I see chunky, I still like what I see. My self confidence is out of control sometimes.

6. I pray.

7. I pray for everyone around me to live in peace so I don’t have to see turmoil. that might be for selfish reasons, but I still pray for it.

8. I can’t stand real life violence, but I love movie violence

9. I itch when I see the words “page loading”

10. I think I love almost all people. even the bad people. the bad people that everyone thinks should die, I think I may love them because I might pity them. I’m not really sure, but I do know that I feel sorry for people that are full of hate.

11. I am in love with the world. all of the world. I love everything and everyone that is in it……..even the bad ones.

Faith and Prayer in a Mad Mad World

 I’m not feeling as light hearted as usual so if you’re searching for humor tonight this not the night. I’ve spent a great deal of this day thinking. I hear applause from some of you, but hold on, because this isn’t going where you thinkers might think it is. I’ve spent the day thinking about what in the world happened to cause the world to grow so angry and out of control. Somewhere through time a snowflake of hatred landed on this earth and the wind blew it into a gigantic snowball that eventually exploded over the human race and infected each and every person it touched with its anger, hatred, and mental madness.  I’m not sure as to when it began, but I do get the general idea of how it all ends.

In a few months I will legally forced to take my child and drop her off at a government approved learning facility, or kindergarten as you might want to call it. There she will spend 8 hours of the day with hundreds of adults that I don’t even know; far different from the small private preschool I am accustomed to. In preparing for this new part of our life I stopped by the school and picked up some general info. As I read through this packet I came to the section entitled SAFETY and it listed all of the ICE information a parent would need to know. At the end of this section it said: “we provide a safe and secure environment while we teach and encouraging your child to learn and grow.”

“We provide a safe and secure environment…………”

That is the sentence that stopped me.  I know why they print that statement. I Get it. I really do, but it doesn’t stop this brain from going off like it does. I know that they are trying to comfort parents and reassure parents like me that they have everything “under control”, but the fact that it has to even be said is what sends my brain into an analytical whirlwind.

”Safe and secure environment.” ……… It just echoes in my head.

Then something else popped into my head: kids are shooting each other, adults are shooting kids and each other and there is no such thing as a “Safe and Secure environment” anymore. How in the world can any parent, in this day and time, not believe in God? As a parent why wouldn’t you want to believe that some magical force is out there watching your child for you. Because let me tell you something straight from the heart of a mother bear, no matter what you think, no matter how much pride you have, no matter what scientific theories you believe,  the very first time you have to drop your kid off and drive away believe me you are going to be praying. You may not know to who or what you’re praying to yet, but you will be praying. You’ll drive away with panic deep in your chest and then get a flash image of your babies’ perfect little sleeping face and you’ll say “oh please, God keep them safe until I get them back”.  Your breath will stop every time you hear the radio or TV say the words “Breaking News” and the first thought in your head is “please, God don’t let there be another school shooting”. because this is reality and this is the type of world we live in.

Being a parent is an unexplainable heart-filling gift but it comes with a heavy, heavy worry. I have no doubt that most teachers would lay their life down to protect their students, but there is only so much a human can do. I know that I can’t be there to protect her for those 8 hours. I know that I can’t spend my life outside the school making sure no crazies get in there (trust me I would if they would let me). And since I know all of this I also know that the only thing I can do to help keep her safe is pray. And as silly and unscientifically supported as it seems, I will have faith that my prayers hold real power.  They have to.

When we were kids our parents biggest worry was whether or not we were coming home with a black eye or a note from the principal. We live in a time where we have to worry if our kids will even come home from school alive. So I may sound silly, and you can laugh all you want, but when I drop my kid off I’m going to be praying, and I’m going to believe that God is listening.

 

 

 

Insomnia Things

My mind is an active mind and at times it can be my worst enemy, usually that time is when I am trying to go to sleep. Trying to sleep must trigger the release of a brain chemical that moves every irrational fear that I have ever had into the forefront of my mind where it plays out like a prophesized vision in one of those god forsaken holy horror films.

The other night I was lying in bed with my 5 year old and right before I dozed off, I thought:

      I hope I don’t spontaneously combust in my sleep.

From that moment on I was wide awake. I spent the next few hours analyzing every single detail of what could happen if I did just burst into flames with my daughter lying asleep next to me. I thought about whether it would be just a POOF or would It be more of a slow burning process? Would the bed catch on fire and then the whole house? Would she wake up or sleep through it?  Who would take my kid to dolphin camp if I wasn’t there?

 Please, God. You may not love me, but if you love my kid please don’t let me burst into     flames while laying in this bed next to her.

Wait?……..?  Did I just pray that I wouldn’t spontaneously combust? Hahahahaha oh man, I must be delirious. I really gotta go to sleep. I have a better chance of an asteroid hitting my house than that hahahaha 

This is where I stop to flip my pillow over and it hits me.

wait? didn’t a meteor just hit Russia?  No no no NO. I’m not starting this. I’m gonna give myself a heart attack. That’s actually a real possibility. That could REALLY happen.  I can feel my chest pounding right now .Great That’s all I need; to die of a heart attack and nobody would find me for days. I’d just lay here. like zombie food.   

Zombies. they sure are a pop culture hit. that could really happen though. The way rabies is running rampant out west, it won’t take long before a strand of the virus mutates and becomes drug resistant and then humans would be rabid and have to be shot like that bath salt guy in Florida. Am I thinking about zombies being real right now? I have lost my mind.

What is wrong with my brain?!?!  Why can’t I just go to sleep like a normal person?!?!

maybe I should close my eyes. that would be a good start. Think of a happy, peaceful place. Think of summer and a slight breeze. sooth calming voice of an honest soul. smell the summer air. think of your favorite place. your favorite place. favorite place…..favorite………place………………

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Things about my Kid, God, and Sandwiches

Funny thing about my kid is sometimes she makes me question the entire universe, sometimes she drives me to point of losing my mind, other times I just lover her so much I want to explode.

  1. She uses the word Metamorphosize to describe old friendships.

I had to explain to her that sometimes people change and that when they change they sometimes don’t want to be friends with people anymore. This was not a parenting win for me, but it was a conversation that I had been putting off for months and it was just time to come clean with the kid.  She took it surprisingly well and with a shrug said “so they pretty much metamorphasize.” This was not a question this was a matter of fact statement and there I stood with my head cocked and stunned into silence. She must have thought I was confused because she followed up with  “You know? Go through metamorphosis. Like change into something else”   I quickly ran over the possibilities of her being an alien hybrid and since she seemed to end the conversation with her never ending stream of awareness I said “Yep. Just like that, Honey.”

2. She has an obsession with being clean.

I’m just waiting for the day that I pick up the phone and hear “Mom, you have to come get me from school because I have to poop and then after that I’m going to need to take a shower”.  This kid will squeeze the eyeballs out of minnows, spend all day baiting her own fishing hook, be covered head to toe in dirt, but the minute she comes through that door she is in the shower. I know this may sound like a blessing, but I have 3 kinds of soap in every bathroom and if you only knew the amount of time I spent making sure that she’s free of “poop germs” you would understand how tired I am of saying “yes. I am 100% positive that that soap kills 99.9% of all germs”

3.She’s a bit much for me

Yesterday she asked me to make her a PB&J.  She eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day of her life. Sometimes she eats 3 a day. But on this particular day she was not having any part of anything that had to do with dead animals so she would only eat a PB&J. Fine, I roll with that, in fact, I will even support her decision by going out of my way to buy animal friendly shampoo, whatever. So I slapped together a sandwich and set it on the table for her and this is what happened next:

“Uh, Mawm, you forgot to cut the crust off”

I  just kept walking.

“Mom,  God wants us to do our best and this is not it”

I dead stop in the middle of my stride and slowly rotate to face this uppity beast of a child.  She must have sensed the laser beams shooting from my eyeballs because before I made my complete rotation she had her palm up in front of her.

“I’mmmmm gunna eat it, don’t yell I’mmm gunna eat it. I’m just saying that this is not your best. but thank you for making me a sandwich”

I know at this point that if I open my mouth that I am going straight to hell. My inner dialogue was so vile I won’t even repeat it. So I used every bit of will power I had to just turn around and keep walking.

4. she knows  God

My child was born in love with God. This is in no way my doing and I can’t take credit for it because I am fairly certain that I never even brought the topic up.This is a part of her that is all her own. A part of her that I love and hope that she keeps forever. When she was four I read her a quote about science being real whether we believed in it or not, with a happy upbeat smile on her face she said “Oh yeah, like God is”.  I looked up at her and once again ran through the possibilities of her being an alien hybrid. I mean, this can’t be my child. Where did she come from? She is completely unaware of the fact that there is a whole “religion vs science” hoopla going on in the world (or so I think. She may be the one who started the whole thing).  She was just finding a way to understand the quote by finding something that was equally as true to her .   She loves all things science and physics and in her world religion and science coexist peacefully.

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Early Morning Confessions

#1  Between 5 and 7 A.M. is my favorite part of any day. They are my magic hours. My time to myself to drink coffee in silence or search Youtube for funny kitty videos or just do NOTHING. You know, just whatever I want to do to start my day. I have been known to tell a fib in those early morning hours too. Today, in example, my daughter woke up at 5:40 and I told her it was still yesterday so she would go back to sleep and I could have my magic morning hours alone. I feel no shame for this

#2 I have an entire box of Zagnut candy bars hidden in my house. on the occasion that I do get to soak in my big giant bathtub I don’t light candles or pour on the bubbles, I soak in my jacuzzi tub and eat a Zagnut.

#3 one time I shared a pimento cheese sandwich with my dog.  Don’t you Dare judge me she has the most precious sad face this world has ever seen and she just took a gentle, dainty little bite.

#4 I really don’t want to cuss as much as I do, but I can’t help it!! I’m an expressive person and it just comes out!  sometimes I drop the F bomb and I don’t even know I’ve said it. I’ll just shake my head at myself on that one.

#5 I don’t wear make-up because I’ve given up on ever being one of those pretty girls that look like they just stepped down from the window display at Express. With nicely styled hair, shiny shoes that match the purse, and one shouldered shirt with skinny jeans. I do good to match my belt and shoes and I’m not sure I even know how to use hairspray.  I just wasn’t meant to be a pretty girl.

#6 I totally don’t give a shit about #5. I’m doing some pretty dope stuff in my life and being pretty is not a requirement. Eat that, Cosmo!!!

#7  despite what most people think of me, I have always thought that Jesus was a pretty cool dude. I picture him on the corner of Haight-Ashbury trying to teach people peace, love and tolerance. I can picture Jesus wearing a Doobie Brothers shirt, throwing up a peace sign and saying one love.

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Things That Make the World Beautiful Pt 1

. Kindness from a stranger

.Kids singing and flower picking

. Laughter, Smiles, and Giggles

. Full moons on snowy nights

.Oceans

.Old people telling stories about their younger years

.Old people laughing

.Old people.

.New love, Old love, Just Love

.Kisses and sugars and hugs

.People being nice to each other

.Making peace with the past, Looking forward to the future, and Enjoying the present

. Babies, Kitties, Puppies, deer, koala bears,

.The Courage to what is right

.Watching fear disappear

. Acts of Peace and Tolerance

. God, Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, Ganesha, Shiva, Muhammad, Allah, and Krishna

.Grannies (they’re awesome)

.Forests and trees and dirty knees

.Lending a helping hand (it really does make the world more beautiful)

.Being Happy (It’s contagious. you should try it)

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Photographs and Making Memories

If you asked me what I did today I would say that I made memories.   Making memories is how I spend my life. The day my daughter was born all I kept thinking was that I didn’t want to miss it. I didn’t want to  miss out on her life, not one single minute, and I wanted to make sure that I was a part of it; that she knew I was there.   I wanted the rest of my life to be made up of over-the-top unforgettable moments.

Today I got another chance to make another memory. My daughter walked out of her room beaming from ear to ear with pride, for she had dressed herself. She stood with her head high and proud and walked in way that overflowed with self-confidence. She dressed herself in all of her favorite pieces- a blue and yellow flowered long sleeve shirt with a neon green Yoshi shirt over the top, Purple polka dotted leggings, a neon pink tutu and topped it all off with a pink and purple feathered boa and pink fedora. I hope that she holds on to that five year old self confidence for as long as she can.

She pointed at me and in a very excited, matter of fact voice said “come on, Mom let’s get you dressed up fancy! We’re going out to dinner!”  How could I say no to that? How could a pass up an opportunity like this?  This may be the best dinner of my life and I’m not missing out!!!

I let her pick out my clothes. She picked out my favorite knee length skirt and my favorite old band t-shirt, she knew it was cold out so she picked out my knee high striped socks and then moved on to the shoes (the ones she plays in the most)  my red and black animal print flats with a bow.  She wasn’t done with me yet,  “you just need a little something else……”  so then I got big pink sparkly earrings, a pink feather boa, and a giant green derby hat that she made out of tissue paper.

I know most people that we ran across thought we were just out right crazy, but I stood with my head tall and I walked with pride just as my five year old did, after all, I was making a memory.

At the restaurant the younger people laughed, the middle aged people were just embarrassed and appalled, but the elderly they knew what I was doing and they smiled.  People may laugh at me all they want for the way I look, because I know they have no idea for the reason why I do what I do.

And that’s just fine with me, because today I made sure that my daughter knew that I was proud of her and the choices she made. Today she knew it was ok to be herself, like what she liked, and to be proud about it.

When I am lying on my death bed and it’s time for me to go back home, the only thing I am going to have are my memories and all that is going to be left of me when I go are the memories that people have of me. I want to try my hardest to make and leave good ones.  So if you ask me what I did today I would say I made memories.

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Words that DO belong to me

Words are like  gunshots. Once those words fire out your mouth, they can never be taken back. The Damage you do to a person with your bullet-like words can never be undone. They can never be unsaid.

I have learned this lesson the hard way. Most of my life I was the one that was looking down the mouth of the barrel. I was bombarded with fully automatic shots; people aimed at my ears, but my heart was always their target.  The less I stood up for myself, the more they fired.

This was the way I learned emotional survival.  You get them before they get you and you’ll be safe. Well, as adults we all know there is no longevity in that theory. It’s self-destructive.  It took me a very long time to figure out that fighting fire with fire doesn’t always work, and by my mid-twenties I had already done a lot of damage to the people in my life.

So I threw away all the shells that I had cocked and ready to go and I replace them.

I’ve used words as a weapon before, and I have apologized to those that deserved it (the ones that I fired at for no other reason than to be mean.)  I have already forgiven myself so their forgiveness is not what I needed. I needed to unload, disarm, and move on.

And I did.

So now I can finally say:

Words are like feathers. Be gentle with them because once they are plucked out of your mouth you can never put them back. Use your words to lift people up and help them float effortlessly across the day. Turn your words the right way and they can tickle someone into a laugh. And with a laugh comes a smile.

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words that don’t belong to me

Life doesn’t give you what you want, it doesn’t even give you what you need,, sometimes it just gives you what Life wants you to have. There have been time when all Life wanted me to have was a boiled egg for lunch, ,I wasn’t happy about it, but long after I realized that the one boiled egg was all my fat ass needed.  I am a strong believer in the “universe will provide” doctrine. I believe that we will gravitate toward what we need and what needs us will land at our door step, and that is why i post this song. this is a song for all of you. this is a song for me. this is a song of Paul Simon and the words that have hit home with me today.

Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away

I know a man
He came from my home town
He wore his passion for his woman
Like a thorny crown
He said delores
I live in fear
My love for you’s so overpowering
I’m afraid that I will disappear

Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away

I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been

Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away

And I know a fa-ther
Who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons
For the things he’d done
He came a long way
Just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again

Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away

God only knows
God makes his plan
The information’s unavailable
To the mortal man
We work our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe we’re gliding down the highway
When in fact we’re slip slidin’ away

Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away

Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away

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