Things about my Kid, God, and Sandwiches

by unstoppablesomebody

Funny thing about my kid is sometimes she makes me question the entire universe, sometimes she drives me to point of losing my mind, other times I just lover her so much I want to explode.

  1. She uses the word Metamorphosize to describe old friendships.

I had to explain to her that sometimes people change and that when they change they sometimes don’t want to be friends with people anymore. This was not a parenting win for me, but it was a conversation that I had been putting off for months and it was just time to come clean with the kid.  She took it surprisingly well and with a shrug said “so they pretty much metamorphasize.” This was not a question this was a matter of fact statement and there I stood with my head cocked and stunned into silence. She must have thought I was confused because she followed up with  “You know? Go through metamorphosis. Like change into something else”   I quickly ran over the possibilities of her being an alien hybrid and since she seemed to end the conversation with her never ending stream of awareness I said “Yep. Just like that, Honey.”

2. She has an obsession with being clean.

I’m just waiting for the day that I pick up the phone and hear “Mom, you have to come get me from school because I have to poop and then after that I’m going to need to take a shower”.  This kid will squeeze the eyeballs out of minnows, spend all day baiting her own fishing hook, be covered head to toe in dirt, but the minute she comes through that door she is in the shower. I know this may sound like a blessing, but I have 3 kinds of soap in every bathroom and if you only knew the amount of time I spent making sure that she’s free of “poop germs” you would understand how tired I am of saying “yes. I am 100% positive that that soap kills 99.9% of all germs”

3.She’s a bit much for me

Yesterday she asked me to make her a PB&J.  She eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day of her life. Sometimes she eats 3 a day. But on this particular day she was not having any part of anything that had to do with dead animals so she would only eat a PB&J. Fine, I roll with that, in fact, I will even support her decision by going out of my way to buy animal friendly shampoo, whatever. So I slapped together a sandwich and set it on the table for her and this is what happened next:

“Uh, Mawm, you forgot to cut the crust off”

I  just kept walking.

“Mom,  God wants us to do our best and this is not it”

I dead stop in the middle of my stride and slowly rotate to face this uppity beast of a child.  She must have sensed the laser beams shooting from my eyeballs because before I made my complete rotation she had her palm up in front of her.

“I’mmmmm gunna eat it, don’t yell I’mmm gunna eat it. I’m just saying that this is not your best. but thank you for making me a sandwich”

I know at this point that if I open my mouth that I am going straight to hell. My inner dialogue was so vile I won’t even repeat it. So I used every bit of will power I had to just turn around and keep walking.

4. she knows  God

My child was born in love with God. This is in no way my doing and I can’t take credit for it because I am fairly certain that I never even brought the topic up.This is a part of her that is all her own. A part of her that I love and hope that she keeps forever. When she was four I read her a quote about science being real whether we believed in it or not, with a happy upbeat smile on her face she said “Oh yeah, like God is”.  I looked up at her and once again ran through the possibilities of her being an alien hybrid. I mean, this can’t be my child. Where did she come from? She is completely unaware of the fact that there is a whole “religion vs science” hoopla going on in the world (or so I think. She may be the one who started the whole thing).  She was just finding a way to understand the quote by finding something that was equally as true to her .   She loves all things science and physics and in her world religion and science coexist peacefully.

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