The unstoppable somebody

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The Easter Post 

  
I am a lot of things. I would say that I am guilty of being very human among humans. I am very much a flesh of a person. When I’m mad, I’m mad; when I’m happy, I’m happy. I am kind, I am loving, and I do my best to do what is right but no where along the way have I even felt holy or worthy of sainthood. I’ve never felt compelled to spread evangelism, I’ve never believed that making people agree with me would make the world right, and I’ve never felt I am more right or worthy than another person. I’m stubborn, fleshy, and hard headed. When God made me i assume he said “oh me. What have I done” I am flawed, I am beautiful, I am a mess, I am perfect,I am imperfect, I am loving, I am unloving, I am forgiving and unforgiving. I am all of these things rolled up in one. 

There are 4 times in my life that God has brought me to my knees. 4 times he boomed a cannon inside my chest and stopped me in my tracks of life. 4 times he solidified the molecular space that surrounded me and made it so heavy it was impossible to lift my head so he dropped me to my knees. He was Demanding that I acknowledge him.  And I do. These are defining moments in my life. Moments that bring physical and metaphysical altogether in perfect harmony and perfect reasoning. 

Today, on this Good Friday, I feel a sucker punch heartache for the death of Jesus. It’s one of those out of nowhere, all of a sudden realizations of what actually happened on the cross. The definitive end. The understanding of the price that was paid. 

I also feel a thankfulness that I can’t quite put into words because it’s too big for my puny human mind to understand. And although my mind can’t find the words, my heart does. My heart feels a thankfulness that doesn’t quite fit into any box of definition. And that is ok because sometimes we don’t have to have a Webster definition for the world to make perfect sense. 

Amazing things in February 

  

 

1. My happy little family

2. My Church 

3. My Church Family 

4. Collective family laughter 

5. How much I truly love my job 

6. How much I love my work team 

7. Genuine Friendships

8. Baby giggles 

9. Singing & Dancing with my 8yr old

10. Planning and dreaming of the future

11. Making dreams happen

12. Living with intention 

13. Genuinely Loving myself 

14. Genuinely Loving Others 

15. Freedom 

16. Tacos

17. Prayers of Positivity 

18. Carefree days and nights 

19. Music 

20. Winter Hiking 

21 grams

FAITH is a struggle for me. And sometimes Believing in God is a struggle for me.

There I said it.

Listen, I didn’t grow up in a church, there was no God in my house growing up, there was no Jesus talk and certainly no praying. I grew up with the opposite of all of those things. The opposite. So you’ll just have to forgive me for struggling sometimes. Or don’t, it won’t bother me if ya don’t.

Going out on a limb and looking to see if God existed at all was a pure act of God in itself. 

I had been to many churches throughout my adult life and I’m not ashamed to say that I got up and walked out of every single one of them as soon as preacher man opened his lying mouth. I have a pure cosmic super ability to see if people are the same on the inside as they are on the outside. Go ahead and laugh. But it’s true, I’m spot on 99% of the time. And that is the reason I could never sit through a church service. Or be around people. Or have friends. 

I’m assuming God was sensing some prime opportunity happening so he finally go me to a church. A church where no perfect people were allowed. (I’m not kidding, that was their slogan.)

Now I’m not going to go into every detail but here’s the quick version:

The music was good. The message was good. Most of the people were good. it wasn’t pushy! And the most genuine true heartfelt part about this place was the preaching. The main preacher was preaching the word and I liked it and understood the truth behind it. He was kind, honest, and not mean but a little bit of an asshole. (Like me!). He just doesn’t deal with nonsense and preaches the word without the fluff.  Holy shit I’d found A real person! Someone that is not pretending to be holy and above everyone. Trust me I was floored. I tested every single theory these people were pulling. I actually wrote these experiments down. Scientific method and all, And much to my amazement. They meant everything they said. Hmmm. Interesting. These people had no doubt. And actually accepted me how I was. And they were all jacked up!! I mean they were all this train wreck of a mess and didn’t hide it! They all had stories just as crazy as mine. (Kind of) 

 They were all “look man I’m crazy, we all got problems, but God is real” and I was all like “nothing in this place makes sense but I like it here” It was a full year of mass confusion on my part. But eventually my calloused hardened soul softened and cracked. And there I sat believing yet still full of doubt.

 “I’ve got to be broken”

I remember thinking that.

” I’m just broken on the inside and I’m not fixable and I can’t be like these people.”

Well guess what? I’m right. I am a little bit bent. And I can never be like those hardcore warriors who never doubt or question a thing and walk around all smiles and love and never waver in faith. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. I can’t help that when I see the child sexual abuse, neglect, homelessness, war, murder, and famine and think “How can there be a god?” Why doesn’t he fix that and stop that from happening. some say “that’s not God doing that” I know that. I know that’s not of God. But I still can’t help but wonder why. So that’s where I struggle and I fall.  

I’ve just been so surrounded by the opposite of God that sometimes it’s too hard to blindly believe. And I can not blindly believe. I have to have hardcore evidence! 

He always comes through. I always find him in there some where. It just takes me a little bit sometimes. I’m good at going my own pace in life. I just need to be still. So while sometimes I do struggle there is one thing that I do know: 

I am 21 grams of pure unique hand crafted awesomeness that is here on this earth with a purpose. I’m an not here by accident and I matter. 

If you’re reading this then the same goes for you. YOU are 21 grams of brilliant beauty and you have purpose on this earth. So don’t leave early. We need you here. 

 

Matthew 19:6

One thing I like about the Internet is all of the made up holidays. I love any reason to celebrate the things that are beautiful and sacred in life. This week it’s “happily married week” or something like that. And anyone that is close to me knows how our marriage is heavily guarded because it is our most precious gift in life. Now I’m not going to go into our whole story but it’s pretty amazing and you’ll just have to trust me on that. 

We have been together for 13 years. We’ve been up, down, and all around. We have LIVED!! We have traveled so much and seen so much of the world that it’s hard for us to relate to people. Traveling the world, experiencing life, and different cultures often gives a person a different perspective on life and the world. I wouldn’t trade our experience for anything. I’d do it all again 1000 times!

We have been each other biggest supporters in life. When we grew up and decided to have a different life we dug deep, did the dirty work, and kept pushing each other forward. It’s a hard thing to move ahead. You have to let go of people, habits, and lifestyles that keep you from growing forward toward your goals but we always count on each other. Through all of lifes changes we have remained each other constant and because of that our faith and love conquer every battle we’ve had to face. Team work. 

My husband and I are best friends, each other’s favorite comedian, biggest supporters, cheerleaders, protectors, prayer warriors, and life changers. Our marriage is a blessed gift and is so much more than just being husband and wife. We have said from the beginning that God planned this Union. And HE knew exactly what he was doing. So here’s to my Ride Or Die, My Love, My #1, My Rocky Mountain High. 

 

“Our whispers are contagious enthusiasm for each other” 

   
    
    
   
Matthew  19:6 

Find Your Tribe 

“When you believe in yourself everything starts to fall together.” I just read that quote in a beauty professionals article. This is very very true. The very moment I started believing in myself was they moment that I started succeeding way far beyond what I thought was capable. The past 4 years have been one big learning experience in every area of my life. The main lesson that i have learned is that It is very important to choose carefully who I surround myself with. 

We can not surround ourselves with people who do not believe in us and then also believe that we can succeed. We can’t surround ourselves with people who constantly point our flaws and expect to have the confidence to succeed, we can’t surround ourselves with people who drown us in passive aggressive word vomit and expect to succeed. It’s not possible. Those are all things that’s will damage your spirit and keep you in a whirlwind of self-doubt and confusion. 

 Accept that Some people just do not like you. maybe it’s because your smile and happiness gets on their nerves, maybe it’s because you remind them of the parts that they do not like about themselves, maybe you bring memories of people and events that they would rather forget, maybe they’re still mad because you kicked them on playground when you were 7, maybe you hurt their feelings 30 years ago and they’re still hanging on to it, maybe it’s not even about you, or maybe they just simply do not want to see you succeed because they think you don’t deserve it. Sometimes you will never know the reason but you will notice that those people will not support you or bring happiness to your path and it’s imperative to your happiness, success, and health to distance from those people that do not want the best for you. 

It’s not easy, these can be family members, friendships, and relationships we’ve had with people for 10,15, & 20 years. But here’s the thing, YOU deserve better! All of us do!! And to be better and to do better you have to surround yourself with people that are on the same path in life, people that are honest, people that are happy when you succeed and accomplish something, people that are full of genuine love. 

Success in the beauty industry takes a lot of work, sweat, long hours, non stop continued education classes, and the most important decision you can make is where you spend your time and who you spend it with. Both at work and at home. 

Surround yourself with people that want to see you succeed just as much as you want to see them succeed. Find your tribe and you will have a solid foundation for your life. 

Life is hard. But it doesn’t have to miserable. So don’t let it be. 

  
(My life long best friend and myself. Soul sisters, encouragers, & solid supporters of each other crazy ass life desicions) 

Ky mo(u)rning 

With each sunrise There was a new death. 

The lifting of the heavy lids 

Burning fire in every beat

It pumped on while my existence slowly, one second at a time, evaporated into fumes of smooth dancing amber.

No reawakening. This is my death. My life.  

It belongs to me

It is mine. 

And I have shit to say. 

So I say it. 

  

Strings of Things and Advice for Free 

  • Don’t take Worldly advice from someone who has never traveled the world.  
  • Always carry twenty 1 dollar bills when traveling in the city. Put them in different pockets. When you give them to people that ask for money, stop and take a minute. Ask them their name, their story, and if there is anything they need. Before you leave ask if you can pray with them. It will help both of you.
  • Smile at foreigners.
  • When you find yourself accidentally walking into the middle of a Catholic Church service. Don’t panic just take a seat and participate. Soak it all in. Appreciate it. It was probably meant to be.

  

  • When you find yourself in front a piece of art and you can’t figure it out. Just feel it. (Not with your hands)
  • Beware of false prophets who come to you in Sheeps clothing but inside are ravenous wolves . okay that’s not my advice, that is a piece of Matthews advice. But it’s good street smarts to watch out for those folks. They are everywhere. 
  • Walk the life that God has made for you. Not the life that someone else wants you to walk. Trust me, everyone has an opinion on what is best for your life. Turn the volume down on those folks, they don’t matter. and turn up the volume on what God is telling you. Even if you don’t want to hear it. You’ll be in hell until you surrender. 
  • Everyone can talk a big talk. Look for the ones that are walking the walk and getting their hands dirty. That’s where you will see change happening. 
  • Never be ruled by fear. If you find fear inside of you reach in with your bare hands and pull it out by its life force. Destroy and extinguish whatever is feeding it. Do not be scared. 
  • Love when you can. Move on when you can’t. Like what you like and dismiss what you don’t. Dance everyday even when you feel like crying. Laugh at the small things because the small things are the tiny strings that keeps life sewn together. 

  

 

How to not suck at life.         Part 1 

-Admit that you have no idea what is going on. You don’t. I don’t. Nobody does. So I just say everybody needs to stop pretending and start answering every question with “I have absolutely no earthly idea. Let’s get tacos and not worry about it” 

-Own up to your shit. 

Oh come on guys, it’s time to stop making excuses for ourselves. Sometimes we suck. And we do horribly human things. Don’t even try to justify it. Just say “oh yeah that. Yeah I was being an asshole. I got over it” or maybe youre not over it so here’s option 2: “yeah I’m still pissed off about that and not fully sorry for what I said/did” just own it. It’s not like the world is going to end but I promise you will have no problems falling asleep at night. Conscience clear. 

-Stop being nice

When people treat you horribly- don’t you dare sit there and take it like a helpless sap. So what if you lose that relationship! Take up for yourself! You are worth more than that. Trust me you. 

-Call your friends 

every once in a while. You know just pick up the phone and dial it. A real voice phone call. Be a real person to the people in your life. 

-Go on an adventure. 

This world is huge and full of beautiful places that will change your life forever. Go across the country, go hug a redwood tree, go skinny dipping in John Day river, go get lost in the desert, get wet in Niagra Falls, Go to mile marker zero, then find your route to go the extra 90 miles. You’ll never regret it.

-Talk to strangers

Life is full of beautiful life altering magical moments and they are all waiting for you. Sit down on the side walk in Vegas and ask that homeless man about his life. Give him a hug and some money. Who cares what he buys with it. Ask the angry Indian woman yelling in the 711 if there is something you can do to help her. Stop your morning jog and have a seat on the bench next to the old man and ask him about his life. Spend your whole day on that bench. It won’t be a waste. Go volunteer at a human shelter instead of an animal shelter. There’s a lot to learn from strangers. Stop being scared of people who not like you.

-Eat strange food with foreign people.

This is my favorite thing to do. Goat is not as bad as you think when it’s covered in curry.

-Never stop growing and learning

One time I asked an 87 year old woman what the secret is to discovering who you really are. She said “I’ll let you know when I grow up” 
 

   

For  the misfits 

I’m a little rough around the edges.Not broken, just bent. 

Tatted up and messy on the outside because I don’t want the message of sexy being sent.

I’m not broken. I was made perfect through Him. So I don’t need you walking around point out my sin. Trust me, I repent for them daily. 

Again and again. 

But go ahead and talk about how lost I am because of the company I keep, the church I attend, or because you saw me with a beer in my hand.

Go ahead and judge me and my low-life misfit friends.

We’ve lived lives you perfect people would never understand.

We’ve been pieced back together by a fire blazing divine design. We were sent here to rescue the rest of our own kind. Because all you perfect people seem so damn blind. You can’t see past yourself to see someone holding a neon flashin HELP sign. 

That’s alright. We got this.   We know you don’t want to touch people because Their sins might be contagious. You might be talked about like maybe you made some serious life changes!  Maybe you’ll lose that ticket to heaven.  Or worse, your image might be damaged.  

That’s alright me and my misfit friends, we got this.  We are use to being looked at like your world is no place for us. 

So yeah, I’m a little rough around the edges. 

But I ain’t broken. I’m just a little bent. 

  

No Title 

If you’re trying to out-jesus me
guess what? You win. I ain’t trying to be holy – I ain’t trying to fit in. I give 2 shits for an opinion because I was redeemed by Him. I once lived a life so dark that i REDEFINED sin. I use to laugh in gods face and joke of his kid. making light of a death that let my life begin…..It breaks my heart now to see how I lived. 

The things that I said. The things that I did.

I see it all still everywhere I go. People laughing at a death that isn’t a joke. 

I see myself in people that I don’t even know, who I was then, who I was there, who I am now, every dark place I see myself somehow.  

In a bar, in a club, in a crack house. 

 “What would I say to me?” I think. I go back and there’s nothing. No words really. Sometimes the pain is so deep that you have no feelings. 

I’m not a crusader or an evangelist. I have no grounds to stand on because I’m still a mess. But this is what happened and I give my life that it’s true. God is real, he is waiting, And he loves you. 

I was unwanted by this world, thrown away like trash, looked at like garbage, and talked about like mad! But I promise you this and i promise it’s true all you have to do is ask and you’ll be rescued…. and If it happened to me it can happen to you. God is love and he wants you. You are worthy and he loves and wants you. 

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