I am a lot of things. I would say that I am guilty of being very human among humans. I am very much a flesh of a person. When I’m mad, I’m mad; when I’m happy, I’m happy. I am kind, I am loving, and I do my best to do what is right but no where along the way have I even felt holy or worthy of sainthood. I’ve never felt compelled to spread evangelism, I’ve never believed that making people agree with me would make the world right, and I’ve never felt I am more right or worthy than another person. I’m stubborn, fleshy, and hard headed. When God made me i assume he said “oh me. What have I done” I am flawed, I am beautiful, I am a mess, I am perfect,I am imperfect, I am loving, I am unloving, I am forgiving and unforgiving. I am all of these things rolled up in one.
There are 4 times in my life that God has brought me to my knees. 4 times he boomed a cannon inside my chest and stopped me in my tracks of life. 4 times he solidified the molecular space that surrounded me and made it so heavy it was impossible to lift my head so he dropped me to my knees. He was Demanding that I acknowledge him. And I do. These are defining moments in my life. Moments that bring physical and metaphysical altogether in perfect harmony and perfect reasoning.
Today, on this Good Friday, I feel a sucker punch heartache for the death of Jesus. It’s one of those out of nowhere, all of a sudden realizations of what actually happened on the cross. The definitive end. The understanding of the price that was paid.
I also feel a thankfulness that I can’t quite put into words because it’s too big for my puny human mind to understand. And although my mind can’t find the words, my heart does. My heart feels a thankfulness that doesn’t quite fit into any box of definition. And that is ok because sometimes we don’t have to have a Webster definition for the world to make perfect sense.