FAITH is a struggle for me. And sometimes Believing in God is a struggle for me.
There I said it.
Listen, I didn’t grow up in a church, there was no God in my house growing up, there was no Jesus talk and certainly no praying. I grew up with the opposite of all of those things. The opposite. So you’ll just have to forgive me for struggling sometimes. Or don’t, it won’t bother me if ya don’t.
Going out on a limb and looking to see if God existed at all was a pure act of God in itself.
I had been to many churches throughout my adult life and I’m not ashamed to say that I got up and walked out of every single one of them as soon as preacher man opened his lying mouth. I have a pure cosmic super ability to see if people are the same on the inside as they are on the outside. Go ahead and laugh. But it’s true, I’m spot on 99% of the time. And that is the reason I could never sit through a church service. Or be around people. Or have friends.
I’m assuming God was sensing some prime opportunity happening so he finally go me to a church. A church where no perfect people were allowed. (I’m not kidding, that was their slogan.)
Now I’m not going to go into every detail but here’s the quick version:
The music was good. The message was good. Most of the people were good. it wasn’t pushy! And the most genuine true heartfelt part about this place was the preaching. The main preacher was preaching the word and I liked it and understood the truth behind it. He was kind, honest, and not mean but a little bit of an asshole. (Like me!). He just doesn’t deal with nonsense and preaches the word without the fluff. Holy shit I’d found A real person! Someone that is not pretending to be holy and above everyone. Trust me I was floored. I tested every single theory these people were pulling. I actually wrote these experiments down. Scientific method and all, And much to my amazement. They meant everything they said. Hmmm. Interesting. These people had no doubt. And actually accepted me how I was. And they were all jacked up!! I mean they were all this train wreck of a mess and didn’t hide it! They all had stories just as crazy as mine. (Kind of)
They were all “look man I’m crazy, we all got problems, but God is real” and I was all like “nothing in this place makes sense but I like it here” It was a full year of mass confusion on my part. But eventually my calloused hardened soul softened and cracked. And there I sat believing yet still full of doubt.
“I’ve got to be broken”
I remember thinking that.
” I’m just broken on the inside and I’m not fixable and I can’t be like these people.”
Well guess what? I’m right. I am a little bit bent. And I can never be like those hardcore warriors who never doubt or question a thing and walk around all smiles and love and never waver in faith. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. I can’t help that when I see the child sexual abuse, neglect, homelessness, war, murder, and famine and think “How can there be a god?” Why doesn’t he fix that and stop that from happening. some say “that’s not God doing that” I know that. I know that’s not of God. But I still can’t help but wonder why. So that’s where I struggle and I fall.
I’ve just been so surrounded by the opposite of God that sometimes it’s too hard to blindly believe. And I can not blindly believe. I have to have hardcore evidence!
He always comes through. I always find him in there some where. It just takes me a little bit sometimes. I’m good at going my own pace in life. I just need to be still. So while sometimes I do struggle there is one thing that I do know:
I am 21 grams of pure unique hand crafted awesomeness that is here on this earth with a purpose. I’m an not here by accident and I matter.
If you’re reading this then the same goes for you. YOU are 21 grams of brilliant beauty and you have purpose on this earth. So don’t leave early. We need you here.