things of coins and memories

when you are in a memory, you never know it. you never know that what you just saw and felt is going to stick with you for a lifetime. You never know that you are going to forget a great moment until its gone and then brought back again. You think that when you witness something great that you will never forget it, but you do. it’s life, we all do.

I remember the first time I bought a Charleston chew with my own money. I handed the cashier my money and when she handed me the change, the coins hit the palm of my hand with a ‘chtink’ noise. a noise so faint, that only the exact amount of attention would have been able to detect it. too much would be excitement and too little would have been….just normal life.

“chTINK”

this was not the normal ‘chink’ noise that coin change made when it landed in my palm. This had an extra ‘tink’ to it. I know because i counted my piggy bank as often as I got bored.  I shoved the cashier coins in my pocket and went home to investigate every single one. who knows, I may have been the only twelve year old to receive a gold coin as change for a candy bar. I could be the only twelve year old millionaire. I spent hours finding the culprit to ‘tink’ inside the ‘chink’. and, finally, I realized what the difference was.

It was a silver coin.

It was a silver coin that most people wouldn’t even notice, but to me, it was everything. I put that silver coin in a jar. and still to this day I can pull it out and show you the exact coin that made the “chTink” from my Charleston chew.  Sometimes memories are like that. If we pay too much attention then we never notice, and If we aren’t paying enough attention we can’t see that something so small could make such a big difference.

I go through my days hoping that every moment is a silver coin moment, but I know that it’s not, so when I do wrap my palm around one I try to hold on forever and never forget. I put it in my jar. I hold on forever. those coins are my memories and those memories are my coins.

Things about my husband

He speaks in a way that only the closest of his family and friends can understand.  speaking in choppy fragments, never quite putting together a full sentence. he is my Javier Bardem.

He works away from home, so when he gets to crawl in bed late at night,  he smells of work, oil, explosives, and man. He smells of irresistible sexiness. It’s smell that can’t be washed away, the smell is engrained into his pores. It’s the smell of man.

He can be gone for weeks, yet my body never forgets the feel of his fingertips.

He knows that when I lose myself and feel so far gone that I do not even know who I am, that he can’t fix me, but he can lead me back to ME so that I may find myself again.

He knows that all the paper in the floor board of my car are trash, but lets me figure out when it time to throw them away…..even if it takes six months, because “I may need that!”

He lets me cry, but never to the point of where I feel sorry for myself. He keeps me strong and never lets me feel weak.

He makes sure that no matter how mad at him I am that I know He thinks I am the most glorious, wonderful, and Luscious woman that his eyes have ever come across.  He thinks I am sexy, even when I am mad. even when my madness is pointed at him.

Even in my maddest moment he makes me laugh.

He makes sure that I know that I am the only woman that his heart has ever loved. and he has made sure that my heart could never love another.

Things about family

They can piss you off and make you laugh all before the second hand makes a complete rotation. They can make you completely insane but comfort you when the entire world has gone mad with violent insanity. They have the ability to tell you what you need to hear in a way that you want to hear it. They can make you feel laughter in the same way that you felt it as a child. They can make you feel rich when your gas light is on and bank account is overdrawn. They can make you feel whole and put together on the days when you feel incomplete and broken. They feed you when you’re hungry and make you laugh when you are sad. They are the safe place for you to fall. They listen to all your bullshit and When they say “I love you but shut up” you know they are the only ones to say those words and make you laugh about it. they are incredibly loud and always have an opinion. Their opinion is always more right than yours unless someone not related opposes your opinion, then they have your back and your opinion is more right than anyones opinion has ever been in the history of time. They make your life  hellish and hilarious, crazy and special, and turn it all around and make it worth living.  They can all come together and transform any ordinary day into a timeless memory.

the only thing I will say about Westboro

My child was born with a super power.  She has the power to make me feel the kind of joy and happiness that is pure, goes straight to my heart, and overflows it with a unique, unmatched emotion. The super power is in the innocence of her eyes and words. The way she describes what she sees is sometimes so simple and different from what I see that it is just pure genius. Her little voice describing something that is so hilarious and she can’t stop giggling, that laughter fills me up on the inside and moves every worry and problem I have into nonexistence (for a little while, anyways).  I would say that this super power was singularly unique to just my child, but i have witnessed and felt it from the other children in my family. From talking with friends I have gathered that most parents I know feel the same about their children too. Our kids are our Super Hero’s in tiny toddler capes.

Then I see the kids from Westboro Baptist Church.

Do those parents feel the same way? Do they feel over flowed with joy when they hear the little tiny voice of their child say the word “nigger” and “faggot”? I know when I hear those words come out of the mouth of a child, I feel a piercing shock of hurt and pain that goes straight through my heart. I feel confusion and failure. I feel like I want to give that child a hug and tell them that I am sorry that society has failed them. I want to tell the child that I am sorry that they have to grow up surrounded by fear and hate. I want to tell the kid that hate is fear in disguise and there no reason to be afraid.  I want to tell them the world is a better place than what they have been told. I want to tell them that all those hateful words they are being told to say are not true.

But most of all I want to tell that child that if someone came into their school and heartlessly murdered them, their teachers, their families, and their friends that I would not stand outside of their funeral and hold a picket sign and that I would cry and mourn the loss of their tiny little child soul.

Things of self discovery

Alice in Wonderland has always been one of my favorite stories. After all that has happened over last few weeks I found the voice of Lewis Carroll popping in and out of my head. I have to wonder:  What does it mean when we live in a world where Alice in Wonderland makes perfect sense?

– I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

– My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.

– Look after the senses and the sounds will look after themselves

– What a strange world we live in…Said Alice to the Queen of hearts

– One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked. ‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response. ‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered. ‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn’t matter

This world has gone mad. or has it always been mad and I’m just now seeing it? Lewis Carroll was onto something long before the rest of society was. I woke up this morning and realized this:    Even in the middle of a mad and crazy mixed up world, if you try hard enough, you can still find yourself.

Things I LOVE

Chips and Dip,    the mixture of orange and dark chocolate,   the smell of old books,    the ocean,    breakfast for supper,    watching a sunrise and sunset both in the same day (It makes me feel like I got to time travel),    little kid laughter (so genuine),    coffee with my best gal pal,     people that are honest and unapologetic about who they are,

buying books at used books stores:  I love reading other peoples notes in the margins. I imagine what type of person read the book before me, what they were going through in life, what kind of clothes they were wearing and how did they smell. Where were they setting when they read the exact same page I did. were they in a park? was it late at night?.  I wonder where they grew up and if they remember the smell of their childhood home. I create that person in my mind, connect, debate, and have full on conversations with myself about that person based on their notes and interpretation of the story that we have both read. For me, buying a used book is a story within a story.

laughing- god i love laughing :the kind of laugh that doubles you over and your mouth is wide open but not a single noise is coming out. It’s the kind of laughter that doesn’t happen when you are alone. It’s the kind of laughter that can only be shared between the best of friends. It’s the kind of laughter that makes the hard times in life worth living, because it’s the kind of laughter you look forward to. That laughter is an emotion that can not be duplicated when the story is retold, it can not be manufactured on command. It is a moment in life that is raw and real and makes a person truly love being alive.

and finally….. letting go- I love letting go. I love letting go of all the things that clutter my life with worry and heartache. I love letting go of all things that just drag me down and make me feel bad. Most of all, I love letting go of being so serious because the world is so harsh, and for just a few moments  I LOVE letting go and being fearlessly, unabashedly free.

Things that make perfect sense, but do not.

Religion– People need something to believe in, Something to reassure them that there is a reason that they are alive and here on earth. Some people need to find a way to calm their fear of death.

Atheism– People understand that believing in a god is form of comfort and some people do not need that to live a happy meaningful life. they make the most of their time here and are at peace with the fact that when it’s over, it’s over.

Evolution– every living thing evolves, changes, and/or adapts to the changes of the environment. being human does not make us exempt from this natural scientific occurrence.

Transgendered people- They know exactly who they are. They are not confused. One time I opened a hershey bar and there was a cookies n cream bar inside. It just happens.

Taxes- Police and firemen have to be paid. They are also very, very much needed.

Love– the heart wants what the heart wants.  Even when what it wants will kill it.

Life- It never works out the way you plan, but it always turns out to be okay.